Digressions of a Modern Kind

PSA: this is your brain on grading.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:06:42 -0500

PSA:

this is your brain on grading.

absence makes the blog grow fonder

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:48:42 -0500

oh blog. t-minus 30(?) days until i return to you. more or less.

you are invited to thanksgiving, fyi.

i am being followed also: my mail is late connection?

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:28:00 -0400

i am being followed

also: my mail is late

connection?

signs of trouble: on a sunday hike along a national park bike...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:03:00 -0400

signs of trouble: on a sunday hike along a national park bike path, several examples of rundown woolly bears were spotted. like, a dozen or so.

theory: woolly bears, expecting a harsher than bearable (ha!) winter, have decided upon collective suicide.

a letter to my blog

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:06:46 -0400

dear blog,

how are you? i feel bad for not writing you lately. i am sorry. no, i have not abandoned you. i got this thing called ‘busy.’ maybe you’ve heard of it. i don’t recommend it. but i’m happy about it. how was the fashion show? i hope it was good. i haven’t seen you around lately so maybe you’re out having fun and conquering the runway world.

i hope to see you soon. and to write more of you.

peaches,

-wells

project blogway

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:54:34 -0400

blog: wells! wells! wells!

me: what’s up blog?

blog: wells…i’m gonna be famous!

me: really? doing what?

blog: i’m gonna be a model!

me: srsly?

blog: totally! i was hangin out at the mall yesterday and this man walked up to me and said that he was an agent for a modeling firm and that he wanted me—me!—to be the next top model. well, the next top model for his agency, not for the tv show—that would be weird and you’d never believe me.

me: um…blog…i don’t if i believe you anyway: you’re a blog, you don’t exist outside the interconnect—how exactly are you gonna put clothes on and waddle down a runway?

blog: don’t exist outside the interconnect? wha? that’s never exactly stopped me before…

me: i suppose. should we get a dinner to celebrate?

blog: NO! i gotta keep my fine form. i am one sexy bundle of blogospheric hot-assness.

me: yipes.

there are days where the cleve is unconciously beautiful. this...

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:43:24 -0400

there are days where the cleve is unconciously beautiful. this is one of them.

i was having an okay day, like maybe a 2 3/4 star kinda...

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 00:08:00 -0400

i was having an okay day, like maybe a 2 3/4 star kinda day, and then i learned about this: doctor who* and eva green in the same movie. amaze.

*well, the new one who hope is just as good as david tennant, who is, as far we know, not making movies with eva green.

and moving on...

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 18:06:00 -0400

now that the cleveland indians have decided to trade their one legitimate star to philadelphia for what appears to be an 18 year old class a minor league player on the disabled list(!), i think it’s time to endorse, root for and get all excited/teary eyed about a new team.

trading cliff lee=bad idea

trading cliff lee for a mediocre child with a boo-boo=performing an appendectomy on yourself, at home, sober, with a butter knife.

so then, who to claim now?

option 1:

ah! my childhood favorites. the big red machine! johnny bench, pete rose, eric davis, chris sabo, rob dibble—these were the names that ran through my head as i ran my first bases. and they won a world series! that i watched! in four straight games!

of course, they’ve sucked since that world series, perenially hanging out towards the bottom of the division. and their name is kinda silly. and their uniforms have always been a little silly. and they play in a place called the great american ballpark, and that’s just plain silly. and they’re in cincinnati, which beats columbus, but, really, what am i gonna do after seeing a game—visit the creationist museum? maybe if pete rose finally gets allowed back into baseball and attempts a bret favre-ian comeback career, we’ll talk.

option 2:

considering that i’ve left the browns for the steelers and danced a little jig when the penguins took the cup, maybe i should move all my allegiences to the pittsburgh. except i’m not even sure people in pittsburgh root for the pirates. they’re like the sand at the bottom of the pond that bottom dwellers dwell upon.

and that’s a shame, cause they have the best name (if one of the worst logos) of all major league baseball teams. if they only had a real pirate’s panache, they might be able to steal a win occaisonally. unfortunately, they only thing these fellas can pirate is their cable, and they’re probably not even capable of that.

option 3:

yeah, they’re bad. real bad. stinkosaurus rex bad. but there’s something really reassuring about that: they’re consistent, you know what you’re getting. they’re the long ball equivalents of roger corman flicks: you know they’re gonna be awful, but that’s where the pleasure is. but really, can i handle the badness day in and day out? probably not.

option 4:

if you’re gonna sell out, you might as well sell out. and they have c.c.! i’m still not over c.c.. he’s interstellar spectacular.

but…

it’s the yankees! could i sleep with myself if gave myself over the dark side? just how immoral have i become lately?

option 5:

the cubbies! i’ve probably watched more cubs games than all other teams’ games combined on account of WGN airing every damn game they played and mostly starting right when i got home from school. i’d cozy up on the bed of my grandmother’s room and turn on the tube and listen as harry carey tested the speakers yelling about high fly balls going going it’s outta here homerun! cubbies win! cubbies win! and wrigley is just so damn beautiful, like a super classy italian model.

but here’s the thing: if i’m giving up on the indians out of frustration, it might not be the best thing for my heart to choose the numbero uno most frustrating team in the history of game. the cubs break hearts like the women in country music songs: often, throroughly, and they steal your pets to boot.

but wrigley’s soooo beautiful! hmmmm…

option 6:

i have too many friends that profess a love for the sox. i don’t want to give those friends the satisfaction of having me on their side. friends should root against each other, always.

plus, they traded manny.

which brings us to—

option 7:

they have manny! and joe torre! but i have never forgiven them for leaving brooklyn.

out of ideas:

this is much too complicated.

remember this in a dozen years

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 13:52:25 -0400

“to get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

-oscar wilde

newest poem

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 00:23:00 -0400

I have dranken

the ballantines

that were in

the fridge

and which

you were probably

saving

for breakfast

Forgive me

they were delicious

so cheap

and so cold

sight becomes her

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 15:28:00 -0400

i bought a pound of coffee at starbucks. the gal working the register asked if i wanted it ground. i said no. she asked if i wanted a bag. i said no.

she said, ‘you’re so easy.’

i suspect that she was just commenting on me as a customer, but i feel as though she saw right through to my soul.

thank you mr. west

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:22:30 -0400

thank you mr. west

dealing with tumblarity

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:23:22 -0400

about, i don’t know, like a month or so ago, tumblr added a new feature—tumblarity. as the obtuse and hard-to-pronounce name implies, it’s a rating of one’s popularity on tumblr. it rates your tumblarity on a scale of 0 to 100, and as near as i can tell, one’s tumblarity is determined by a) the amount you post b) the number of followers you have c) your general tumblr coolness d) the size of either your genitals or mammories (gender specific, i suppose).

currently, my tumblarity is 0. at one point, i was a 3. but now i’m a 0. i don’t know how i feel about this. actually, that’s a lie. i know exactly how i feel about this. i’m devasted. like, you know how you felt last week when you heard that michael died and then you went home and started playing man in the mirror until your insides burst out your eyes and your clothes got all damp—soaked really—from all the tears that you could not control? that’s how i feel.

the worst part is that it’s a scale from 1-100. being a 0 our of 10 is bearable: there’s no room for nuance, like when men rate women numerically. but 0 out of 100? that’s like i took an essay test and even spelled my own damn name wrong.

so what to do about this unfortunate state of affairs?

i obviously need someone to write my blog for me and round up followers (with a lasso!) and buy me a new wardrobe to increase my tumblr cool (more hipster! more hipster!) and respond to one of those junk emails i’m always receiving about increasing the size of my junk. i believe that person would be called an intern, or a maid, or a lover or whateves. the name isn’t all that important. deeds speak more than words.

send applications via overnight postal service to my apartment.

forgetting my manners

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:56:00 -0400

just realized that i haven’t mentioned eva green in a post for quite awhile. i apologize for this. here’s a picture:

you will notice something missing from the picture: me. all that room (and it’s quite an example of gilded beauty unto itself) and eva, standing there all alone. poor thing. i think her arms are on backwards. i can fix that for her, if she’d just ask.

in honor of michael jackson

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:15:45 -0400

in honor of michael jackson

to the somewhat short and rather rotund woman in the cherry red outfit and matching low-heeled pumps browsing the modernist sections of the cleveland museum of art:

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 17:57:03 -0400

did you mean to look so de stijl?

will this summer ever get interesting?

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:44:29 -0400

will this summer ever get interesting?

treating someone with the plague? better get your plague...

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:40:00 -0400

treating someone with the plague? better get your plague mask!

UPDATE: not available in swine flu versions

things i learned this weekend

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:20:47 -0400

1. changing blog site designs is fun!

2. there is a rift in the space-time continuum.

3. dutch girls don’t like ties.