Blog: Wells!Wells!Wells!Wells!Wells!
Me: What’s up blog?
Blog: I have bigbigbigbig news!
Me: ?
Blog: I’m running for president!!!
Me: President? Of what?
Blog: Of the United States of America!
Me: Umm, blog…umm…shit. I don’t even know where to start.
Blog: WTF. I thought you’d be excited for me.
Me: Well, it’s just, blog, I mean—there’s this little thing called the Constitution that outlines criteria that all presidential candidates must meet, and I’m pretty sure you don’t.
Blog gets huffy.
Blog: Like what?
Me: Well, for instance, you have to be 35 years old. You’re not even four months.
Blog: Four months is, like, 37 in blog years!
Me: Really?
Blog: Yep. I mean, the average lifespan of a blog is, what, six, seven months? The average lifespan of a human is 75 or so. You do the math.
Me: You strike me as, I don’t know, kinda young.
Blog: Yeah, I get that a lot. I look pretty good for my age.
Me: Sure…
Blog: So, you see, I can run for President!
Me: Ok, but what qualifications do you have?
Blog: America is a great place where anybody can be president. That’s all the qualification I need!
Me: Umm…blog…there’s another thing.
Blog: Yes?
Me: I think the constitution implies that, well, the president’s supposed to be human…
Blog: Oh, Wells, you never struck me as a blogist.
Me: A blogist?
Blog: Yeah, a blogist. Someone who views blogs as an underclass that must remain, well, y’know, underclass. But you’re right, einstein. I’m no person. But let’s face it, you “people” haven’t exactly done a great job running this place. Maybe it’s time for real change.
Me: Well, blog, there is that one little problem—you can’t register to vote, and I’d assume, register (?) to run without a social security number.
Blog: I have an IP address! It’s pretty much the same thing.
Me: Umm…Ok. So where do you stand on the issues?
Blog: I’m forgainst everything!
Blog winks semi-seductively, at least flirtatiously, at camera.
Me: Let’s be more specific: the economy—what needs to be done?
Blog: I was a big fan of that late 90’s economy, when it looked like the internet would take over everything. I suggest we get back to that. Given my experience with such issues—I’m a blog, remember—I think I’m just the man/thing/internet construct to get us there!
Me: Do you support the bailout?
Blog: Have you seen my stock portfolio lately?
Me: You have a stock portfolio?
Blog: Yeah. And an astrological profile. But sure, to return to the question, I support a bailout. I also support rape kits—let me mention that again—I support rape kits. And the children. They are our future.
Me: Global warming?
Blog: Oh, I’m definitely against that. Under my plan, we will realign the orbit of Earth just enough to compensate for the increase in heat. Move it towards Mars just a bit. That way, we won’t warm up and we can burn whatever we please. Everyone wins!
Me: Gay marriage?
Blog: I’m against all marriage.
Me: Good policy.
Blog: Thanks. :)
Me: And the war in Iraq. What needs to be done there?
Blog: All I am saying, is give peace a chance.
Me: Umm…Iraqis are blowing themselves up in vegetables market. We’re spending billions every month. Any Iraqi with any sense/money has left for a better, more stable place. Three ethnic groups are going head-to-head for control. The American presence has shattered our reputation on a global scale. What will you, blog, do to fix this?
Blog: Umm…peace…children…let’s see…umm…no white flag?…did I mention children? They are the future. And the future of Iraq…[blog gazes past the camera, but smiles]…let’s make sure that the people of Iraq are having children…for the future…maybe they can settle this mess…I’m against tax cuts for whoever you want me to be against tax cuts for. And tax increases too. Let’s do away with taxes. Instead, the government will ask very kindly how much money you’d like to give to it. It’ll be like the Red Cross—but without all those icky blood drives!
Me: Blog?
Blog: Yes!
Me: What’s your foreign policy experience?
Blog: I can see Russia from my FTP server!…and on google maps! And, did I mention, I have a few friends involved in spyware?—catch my drift?????
Me: Made any decisions about your running mate?
Blog: I’m thinking about that video of Miss South Carolina. I think the beauty queen angle’s really the way to go.
Me: Closing comments: why should I vote for you?
Blog: Because I represent everything that is great about America’s past present and future. I’m like the tea that Bostonian’s threw overboard. I’m like the bombs bursting in air that Francis Scott Key captured in verse. I’m like the slaves that northern states agreed to return on sight. I’m like the bullets that shattered the limbs at Gettysburg. I’m like the yellow that peppered the journalism that embroiled us in the Spanish American War. I’m like the patriots that went to Europe and saved France from the Austro-Hungarian Empire. I’m like the Okie that picked the grapes that got us through the Great Depression. I’m like the A-bomb that fell on Nagasaki and saved all those lives. I’m like the interstate highway system that made suburbia safe for white people. I’m like Cronkite talking trash about the war in ‘nam. I’m like the free market economics that brought that the Soviets, I’m like the free market economics that brought down, just this week, the US stock market. I’m like the dilithium crystals that will bring us warp speed.
Me: You contradict yourself.
Blog: Very well then. I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.
Me: Good luck with that.
Blog: Thanks. VOTE FOR ME, AMERICA. I’M THE CHANGE TRAPPED IN YOUR SOFA—THE CHANGE YOU NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
