Me: How’s it going today?
Blog: I didn’t sleep well last night. I think it was the humidity. Other than that I feel a bit neglected, unkempt and I have a headache.
Me: Sorry to hear that. Anything I can do?
Blog: I wouldn’t mind being left alone for awhile so I could take a nap.
Me: Ok.
An hour passes.
Me: It’s me again.
Blog: Oh. Hi Wells. I’m doing better.
Me: Good. We need to talk.
Blog: Shoot.
Me: Ok, well, umm…it’s just, I don’t know how I feel about us. I mean, we started off well, I thought, but now, I don’t know, I feel like you’re being withholding.
Blog: Me??? Ummm..I’m pretty sure I just do what you tell me to.
Me: I suppose. But aren’t you suppose to, like, inspire me? To help me spread my message of goodwill and cheer across the blogosphere?
Blog: If that’s what you want. [looks confused] Goodwill and cheer?
Me: I’m an abassador of love.
Blog: Is that why you’re single?
Me: I believe in avoiding entangling alliances.
Blog: Oh.
Me: So, I guess, what I’m asking is, What am I doing wrong? Why don’t I have followers? Or comments? Or emails? Or Gawker mentions? Or a book deal?
Blog: Are you serious?
Me: Yes.
Blog: Well, for starters, quit calling me a blog. I’m a tumblr.
Me: What’s the difference?
Blog: I don’t know. But when Gawker refers to tumblr blogs, they call them tumblrs. Calling me a blog makes you look like an amateur.
Me: Oh.
Tumblr: Second, this is a pretty pathetic tumblr. It’s almost all text. Where are the videos?
[interrupting] Me: I have some of those.
Tumblr: They’re old! What have you been doing lately?
Me: Vacationing, mostly.
Tumblr: And you don’t have any videos from that?
Me: Umm…no.
Tumblr: And you call yourself a tumblrartist!? Where are the pictures? Why don’t you leave comments, become a follower? Where, for God’s sake, are your hyperlinks? This is the internet 2.0 buddy and you’re acting like it’s the Defense Department’s ARPANET.
Me: That’s not fair. I don’t even know what ARPANET is. And I’m pretty sure that a blog can’t be smarter than its blogger.
Tumblr: True, but maybe a tumblr can.
Me: I’ve had enough of this. I don’t need insulted by my own blog.
Tumbr: Dammit, I’m tumblr not a blog.
Me: No. You’re a blog. I created you and I get to call you what I want.
Blog: Shouldn’t you be working on your “novel” or something?
Me: Yes. But I have an ice cream social to go to in fifteen minutes.
Blog: An ice cream social?
Me: Yes.
Blog: I don’t want to be your blog anymore. Whore me out to the highest bidder.
Me: Done.
